I recieved Wijay's text message last monday, 11:17pm but it was only til 1am [tuesday] that I was able to read it. I was asleep til my phone continuously rang coz of Raquel's messages. Four message wtf, I thought, as I tried to read the messages. The first message I read was Raquel's, saying that Cris was gone.
I bolted from my bed, my heart racing. Potah, di nga? Ano to, joke?? Anong nangyari??? I texted her. Same thing I texted Wijay. Before I recieved any replies, Raquel called. She was already crying. I remember asking her, weeeh,seryoso? Anong wala na si Cris? And she said Cris was dead. All I could remember saying were swear words and curses.
I tried to go to the morgue that instant but my sister didn't let me go. I was too histerical and it was only 2am. I waited for three hours, keeping myself occupied. I called and texted my partymates, confirming Raquel and Wijay's news. They went to the morgue and were able to confirm it. Cris was there.
I left at 5am and met with Raquel at qave around 7am. We were supposed to wait for Cathy but we decided to proceed to St. Peter's. We immediately proceeded to the information counter. The guy there was entertaining some other clients so we had to sit and wait. In front of us were white boards and at the bottom of one of the boards,written in red ink [all caps] was Cris's name. Nagkatinginan kami ni Raquel sabay mura. It really sunk in. Wala na si Cris.
When we were finally able to talk to the information officer, we asked him if his family went there already. He's been at the morgue since early monday morning and it was already tuesday. He said that there were people who visited (partymates) to confirm that it was indeed Cris, but the family was yet to be heard of.
We were able to see Cris. He didn't look like the Cris we knew. He looked much older. His body was bruised and bloated (nirespeto namin at di na hinawakan si Cris at that moment). It didn't look like him but it was him. He wore that weird smile on his face. He looked peaceful. It was weird but it was true. He looked so peaceful.
We stayed and waited for Cathy and when she came, we went down to see him again. Cathy and Raquel cried after seeing him. I couldn't cry and I didn't know why.
After contemplating for a very long time [we couldn't leave him coz we can't believe what we found out: that he was left at the Veteran's hospital and no one took care of him; that he was brought to the morgue immediately after; that no one was there for him], we decided to go to our college to know whether or not the family was really contacted [coz Quezon is only five hours away... it was only after we've met his family that we found out that we all knew about Cris at the same time]
The rest is history. We went to the college, confirming to the people concerned that he was indeed, dead. People cried, then after a while, we decided to head back to the morgue because it would be much better if there were people who would "welcome" the family.
It was a long and exhausting day and I'm pretty sure there are some who have written about this day. But let me tell you what I did and what I thought of at the moment.
When I wasn't allowed by my sister to leave out home, I contacted Julia. She called me and she said that we should be there for the family and tell them that Cris was a great guy. That's what I did. When we met Cris's relatives for the first time, we made sure they were informed of the information we have [regarding his information the morgue gave us, etc] and we talked to them and told them what we knew.
But I went beyond the usual courtesy that people showed towards them. It started when I noticed that whenever CAtd, Mitch, KJ, or I passed by Cris's mom [we were the first few people who spoke with her] , she'd, somehow, react and cry a little more. She stretch out her arms, but they were too limp.
On one occasion, I went over to help her relatives ease her pain. She cried even more. And she fainted. One of the people who let us in there "cubicle" so Cris's mom could rest much better. And that was where it all started.
I was massaging her hands as her relatives did, and suddenly, I started speaking to her. I said,"Tita, andito po kami para sa inyo." And she reacted, and she cried even more. "Tulungan niyo anak ko!!!" She said. She hugged me, and I couldn't move away despite my shock... she was really weak.
I assured her that we were there for her, for her son. That we would help Cris no matter what. She fainted again and palpitated. When we calmed her down, I knew I had to get out.
I broke down. I sobbed my heart out, at the lobby of St. Peter's... not in front of his mom. I screamed inaudible words eventhough I was screaming it in one of my shirts [I changed clothes and I was still holding the shirt I took off]. I couldn't take it... I didn't know, and couldn't understand why I was crying. And then someone hugged me... I didn't know who. The person hugged me tight and was sobbing with me. It was Chingkay who came out from where Cris's mom was after making sure that she was okay and it was she who came to hug me. She was crying with me. And out of nowhere I told her, "Mahirap chinx. Ang hirap umiyak sa harapan nila. WE can't cry in front of them kasi tayo na lang yung claims nila na nabuhay si Cris. Kung di tayo strong, san pa sila kukuha ng lakas?" She didn't answer me...
I have a weird habbit of making myself stop crying whenever I'm crying. I take deep breaths and I stop crying; I can control my breathing easily. I instantly stopped crying after I told Chinx what I mentioned above. I stood straight and walked back to where Cris's mom was.
Fast forward...
We returned to the lobby with Cris's mom and we were taking care of her. She responds to my voice. When I told her to take deep breaths for Cris, she did [di kasi sha humihinga, kaya nagfefaint... and then after fainting, magchochoke sha... it was terrible]. I helped her drink milk [hasn't eaten anything], murmuring "konti na lang inay... konti na lang... isa pa..." to her ears. I'd be whispering, "Inay, si ____, _______" when someone wanted to talk to her and she'd open her eyes to look at them. I constantly reassured her that I was there.
I think I helped. Along with Cathy, Chinx and Raquel's help, the color in her hands came back. She was no longer black. She didn't faint anymore. She responded to the people around her much better. She was able to stand up and walk. She became stronger.
One thing I did that I'm really proud of, cheesy as it may be, was clenching her hand with mine and telling her "Inay, nakikita niyo po ito? [referring to the clenched fist] Inay, eto po, ibig sabihin, laban. Laban po tayo inay. Ilaban po natin si Cris." And she looked at her other hand, clenched her fist the same way. It was touching, because it was only then that she stopped crying. It was only then that she sat up.
For those who are wondering where I was when a mass was held at NCPAG later that day, I was with Cris. I stayed by his side and travelled to San Pablo, Laguna,to bring his remains to the funeral homes there, closer to his family. Yes, I was stuck inside a van with him beside me... for more than four hours. I could see the outline of his swolen arms. I wanted to touch him, somehow ease the pain even if he couldn't feel it anymore... but I decided not to. To respect him and his family.
I wasn't scared of him being there because he wasn't scary... he wasn't like that. I could never think of him that way. And even though there came a point when I though he was breathing inside the body bag, I didn't go insane. Riyah's text helped a lot. She said, "Lau, please take care of Cris, for us" and that kept me sane. The thought that I am Cris's friend. Just the thought that someone he knew, someone who cared for him,was there on his travel... it kept me sane.
I contacted Cris's brother the following day but he wasn't replying to my message. So I called [I had to because Kuya Lito told Cris's family that I would coordinate with them regarding Cris's paper in UP--his death had to be declared and we needed the death certificate or the autopsy report, which is yet to be released] and I thought I got the wrong number... but I didn't. I listened carefully and understood that it was Cris's mom who was on the other line. It was sooo painful for me to hear her say, "Asan ka na? Asan ka na?" and even more painful to have read his brother's message [Padala na lang po ng picture ni kuya pag punta niyo dito]. It was sooo painful, I thought to myself...and asked myself what I've gotten myself into. It's too heavy for me to carry, but I thought,,, hindi, ang importante, mabigyang hustisya ang nangyari kay Cris.
Haaayyy. It hurts coz no one's man enough to admit that they killed Cris.Haayyy.
Payo ko sa lahat: stand by those who can't stand alone.
